One of the central conflicts of a man's life is between his need for freedom and his desire for safety.

As a child's self/ego starts forming, its innate curiosity draws it towards the wonders of reality®.

Whether it is the gentle warmth of a sunrise, or the brilliant hues of a sunset; soothing melodies of a birdsong, or the seductive allure of rolling hills; refreshing touch of cold breeze caressing the skin, or the crushing force of water tramping through the rocks; reality presents a never-ending source of awe and wonder that entices the ego to expand and be one with it.

At this stage of development, it desires all the freedom it can have for this boundless expansion.

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Unfortunately for the ego, reality is not made up of just light, song & dance, and pleasure but also includes darkness, thunderstorms, and yes, pain.

For reasons that no one understands yet, this new sensation is judged as unwanted. Suddenly, the reality is not a friend but a foe that must be met with defenses instead of curiosity. And as it often happens, reality breaks down those defenses, wounding the ego.

For a traumatized ego, freedom is no longer a vehicle for awe and wonder but an abyss towards isolation, terror, and eventually, the loss of itself.

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Erich Fromm was a German social psychologist who spent years investigating humans’ relationship with freedom by interpreting stories from Judaism.

In his seminal work Escape from Freedom, he writes...

“The frightened individual seeks for somebody or something to tie his self to; he cannot bear to be his own individual self any longer, and he tries frantically to get rid of it and to feel security again by the elimination of this burden: the self.”

But the ego can not eliminate its self, nor can it survive living in isolation and disconnected from reality.

And as a result, it adapts through desperate attempts to recreate the symbiosis of infancy when others were "responsible" to meet its needs and sooth its pain. Only this time, it is determined to be in absolute control of the relationship, denying freedom to anyone.

To make the matter worse, it rationalizes its motivations, giving them better sounding names like, "progress", "purity", and the most ironical one in this case, "love".

Whether it was the British Empire that sucked the soul of other nations to feed its grandiose ambitions, or the Nazi Germany that incinerated millions to keep itself "pure", or the codependent relationships that forces the individuals to surrender their autonomy for the illusion of safety, the underlying drive of the ego remains the same.

Political sages of all ages and places, like Gandhi, Dr. King, Mandela, etc. understood this, and saw the repressed pain in their tormentors’ collective psyche and sought to understand them instead of fighting back with violence even while being subjected to it themselves.

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It's only in the acceptance of pain and understanding of its source that we find true freedom. In escaping pain, we create prisons, for ourselves and for others.

May all Being be free!

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Cover Image: Shutterstock

I was hoping to publish a different post this week.

Sadly, certain events have transpired since I set that intention.

Events that are leading to heartbreaking news and images of unnecessary pain, mindless violence, and suffering to emerge from all around the US. Events that are once again shaking the foundation of the modern American civilization. Events that are forcing many of us, who have been until now watching from the sidelines, into action.

On May 25th, 2020 police officer Derek Chauvin, knelt on George Floyd’s – an unarmed black man – neck for almost nine minutes while Mr. Floyd was handcuffed face down in the street.

Through all this torture, Mr. Floyd kept repeating, "I can't breathe", "Mama", and "Please".

Later that morning, Mr. Floyd was pronounced dead at the Hennepin County Medical Center emergency room.

Widespread, and at times violent, protests have since spread across the United States.

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As an outsider, I note, that this quintessential American moment has a few parallels in history.

The year was 1919, a little over hundred years ago. One hundred and one to be exact.

Stunned by the brutal massacre at Jallianwala Bagh, citizens of India had risen up behind Gandhi in this new radical experiment of civilian protest via ‘ahimsa’, or Non-violence. The resulting Non-cooperation movement shook the almighty British Empire at its core.

Three years into the movement, on the fateful evening of Feb 4th, 1922, thousands of protesters marched towards ‘Chauri Chaura’ market. The local police, in their attempt to frighten and disperse the crowd, started firing on the demonstrators, killing three civilians and wounding several others.

Furious with this police brutality, the mob then set the police station on fire, killing some 23 policemen – most of whom were Indians.

Gandhi was heartbroken.

He did not want this movement for ‘swaraj’ to turn into a contest of violence. He held himself accountable and at his trial, requested for the highest penalties for himself. For him, no future goal justified violence in the present time and as such he called off the movement.

Violence was not the answer. Violence is NEVER the answer.

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But for a moment let’s keep the focus of the conversation on what’s at the heart of the matter.

Or as one of my neighbors quipped –

So, let’s pay attention to the image that started this all,

and ask ourselves “How does this make me feel?”

Answering for myself – I feel enraged.

I feel enraged by the recurring and painful realization that, as the only sentient sapient species, we humans have learned to ignore everything beneath the superficial veneers and have internalized ‘truths’ that allowed this policeman – with full knowledge that he’s being watched and recorded – to treat a fellow human as less than.

I feel enraged at the entitlement of Mr. Floyd's country men and women who are trying very hard to move the conversation from the systemic oppression that led to Mr Floyd's death to their own narrow – and in this particular case, patently misplaced – personal pet peeves.

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That rage wants me to scream at the top of my lungs and exhort everyone who is waiting on the sidelines, that the time of inaction is long past us!

Luckily, Delta Rae has a song, just for the moments like these. So I am going to play and listen to that instead.

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I know you want to help.

I also know that you are afraid.

Afraid of getting sick in this pandemic. Afraid of losing your livelihood in this uncertain economy. Afraid of getting caught in the violence. Afraid of being labeled a racist. Afraid to fuck-up while genuinely trying to help.

Afraid of your needs going unmet, afraid of your pain getting overshadowed, and afraid of your suffering getting ignored.

I know, because I have been there.

I see your fears and your desire to help, and I think there’s a simple way to attend them both. But it is not an easy way.

I am asking you to meditate upon the picture above and ask yourself – “Why am I not feeling enraged?”

If you could just do that, I promise you, we’ll all be here soon.

Let’s hold up each other.

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Cover Image: Chang W. Lee for The New York Times
*Thanks Cara for sharing the video.

(A version of this post is available on my Facebook page)

It turns out that I have been training my whole life, for doing Nothing.

With the capital N.

No writing, no reading, no coding, no driving, no cooking, no phone, no texting, no internet, no emails, no books, no newspaper. And did I say no speaking? For ten straight days (and nights in between)!

This was the most unproductive I have ever been; since I learned to feed myself with my own hands. 😁

How did it feel?

It felt normal. It felt like living in my elements. It felt like being ... at home.

It also confirmed my suspicion that behind this loud, outgoing facade, lives a true introvert.

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Since the moment of our birth, we are constantly fed many stories.

Stories about us.

Stories about others.

Stories about good and bad.

Stories about failures and success.

At some point, without us even realizing, we make these stories our truth.

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"People tell you who they are, but we ignore it.
Because we want them to be, who we want them to be."
(Don Draper – Mad Men S4:E8, The Summer Man)

The word Vipassanā, in Pali, means ‘to see things as they really are’.

In the words of Buddhist monk Bhante G, it is a quality of mind that allows it to "look into something with clarity and precision, see each component as distinct and separate, and pierce all the way through so as to perceive the most fundamental reality of that thing".

Without this quality, the mind is bound to see this world through its own needs, projections, and fears.

It is bound to see recklessness where there is pain, see malice where there is truma, and see personality-disorders where there are deeply unmet and invalidated core human needs.

And when this seeing gets distorted enough, we could spend our entire life, 'Tilting at the Windmills'.

Meditation is one simple tool available to us to see things as they really are and replace the adopted stories with the actual truths.

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Vipassana Meditation Technique, as taught by Satya Narayan Goenka, or as I like to call it "Coachella for Introverts™" 😉, is a ten day residential program where participants are taught the basics of a few meditation techniques.

The Kelseyville center, nestled amidst a rural forest of lush green pine, fir, and oak trees, is located in the Cobb mountain area of Lake County, California.

The program provides a well supported environment that includes spartan but comfortable living space, simple yet delicious meals, and a group meditation space for the participants to practice together.

The course is taught through audio and video recordings of Mr. Goenka’s instructions and discourses, while assistant teachers are available to answer any questions a student may have.

Seasoned yoga practitioners would find elements of Yama, Niyama, Dhāraṇā, Dhyāna, and Samādhi included in the instructions and techniques, while Āsana, Prānāyāma, and Pratyāhāra are conspicuous by their absence.

A group of kind and thoughtful old students volunteer their time and energy to assist the new students with everything they need.

It’s the energy of such people and those of the co-students that creates this calm and caring atmosphere where even the first time practitioners manage to get through the grueling mental, physical, and emotional demands of such intense practice.

As one of my dearest friends would say - ‘People are Magic!’. 😊

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The conflict free nature of this program creates opportunities to observe oneself beyond just the structured meditation.

I, for example, found myself feeling annoyed by Mr. Goenka's instructions, discourses, claims, and even his voice, which I found to be repetitive, misleading, exaggerated, and authoritarian (yes Mr. Anderson, I do have a problem with authority 😉).

Since then, maintaining an equanimous state of mind during his discourses became part of my practice.

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All meditation techniques are methods for Self-realization.

The central idea is to turn our attention inwards, deliberate upon, see, accept, and eventually integrate with our true Self.

For those who have looked at meditation from periphery, the whole practice may seem to be concentrating one’s attention on a single point, image, sound, or object.

While the practice of single-pointedness is an essential part of any meditation technique, it is only the beginning of the process. Once trained in it, this helps us in examining the internal landscape of our mind from an observer's neutral vantage point, and in time, allows us to see the truth.

Truth that leads to Self-realization

Truth that ends the inner struggle to become who we are supposed to be and be who we already are.

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But the claims of Mr. Goenka go beyond Self-realization.

Some Buddhists believe that when someone experiences a craving for a pleasurable sensation or an aversion towards a painful sensation, a Saṅkhāra, or a ‘mental imprint’ is generated and deposited in the storehouse of one’s mind.

The intensity of these imprints varies. Some are like a line drawn on water, some like a line drawn on sand, and some like a line on rock.

At the moment of death, the most intense saṅkhāras accumulated in this storehouse rise up, leading to the recall of the original craving or aversion and provide the required push to the flow of consciousness into the next life.

I found this related to and a metaphor for the modern research and understanding about trauma. Severe traumatic events rearrange the brain's wiring, leaving unprocessed imprints in the implicit memory. Until these imprints can be brought back to and integrated with our conscious mind, the past associate with the trauma never becomes past.

Maybe what Buddha referred to as the ‘cycle of rebirths’ is essentially someone reliving the intense traumatic experiences, over and over again, in this very life.

Those doing trauma work, either for themselves or for others, would find the book The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel Van der Kolk, more insightful than the mystical talks by Mr. Goenka.

Mr. Goenka claims that if one practices ‘his wonderful technique’ ardently, continuously, consistently, diligently, persistently, patiently, objectively 😉, then ultimately one can witness the entire field of mind and matter at the subtlest, atomic level, realizing their impermanent nature at the experiential level, and learn to avoid having strong reactions to such sensations by practicing equanimity.

Roman Torgovitsky has succinctly captured a lot of what I thought and felt about these claims.

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During his 7th day discourse, Mr. Goenka tells us a story of Buddha's final hours on this earth.

Listening to this story made me feel impishly curious.

Assuming that this story is true, I wondered, could it be possible that Buddha had gotten extremely attached to his work of teaching Dhamma?! Did this strong attachment lead to a strong craving to teach it one last time, a few moments before his death?! Did this craving generate a very deep saṅkhāra in his mind?!

And, as a result, did he fail to attain Nirvāṇa, continued on this cycle of rebirths, and in his latest incarnation, was born as SN Goenka?! 😉

I guess I am not getting nirvāṇa in this life either! 😅😂

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In his excellent and aptly titled book, The Trauma Of Everyday Life, psychotherapist Mark Epstein — whose life work has been in integrating both Buddha's and Freud’s approaches to trauma — interprets Buddha's spiritual journey as an expression of primitive agony grounded in his developmental trauma.

“Trauma does not just happen to a few unlucky people. It is the bedrock of our psychology,” Mark asserts.

“However, once acknowledged as such, trauma can be used as a lever for growth and an ever deeper understanding of change,” he continues. “When we regard trauma with this perspective, understanding that suffering is universal and without logic, our pain connects us to the world on a more fundamental level.”

“There is suffering in Saṃsāra, but also bliss,” he concludes.

Seen in this light, Buddha's enlightenment, essentially, was him integrating fully with his childhood traumatic experiences and in that process finding release from the pain he had suffered his whole life, until that point.

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The fundamental disagreement that I have with the middlemen like Mr. Goenka, who sell their truths and techniques with appeal to authority of Buddha, is their claim that the life as it exists in this world, and continues through the cycle of rebirths, is because of the accumulated saṅkhāras generated by strong cravings and aversions.

And the claim that this cycle ends when this account is settled. For good!

I think that this is a misleading interpretation of Buddha's teaching as this fails to explain why life manifests in the first place.

A robust error-handling routine is an essential part of any well-designed, complex system. But it is never the primary reason for its existence.

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I claim that we manifest this life to carry out our unique Self-expression.

I believe that for some of us, that self-expression is assigned even before life begins. Others get to define and refine our self-expression in this very world.

We live this life to fulfil the purpose or meaning through the selfless execution of that self expression.

Leading with the heart, which is our strongest tool on that path.

As Anāhata, or unhurt, it can process and overcome any and all traumas through Mettā.

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If you have never experienced such a retreat where you could take a complete break from day-to-day life, in exchange for doing nothing, I strongly recommend that you find the nearest center and apply for a 10 days course.

I would also recommend to spend some time practicing simple Prāṇāyāma and Āsanas, and reading up on some Yoga philosophy before embarking on this journey. You'll be spending a lot of time with your breath, body, and mind and this groundwork will allow you to have meaningful conversation with them.

And while you sit in meditation, do yourself a favor and resist the temptation of searching for ‘a constant flow of subtle, pleasant sensations’.

They are 'Emperor's New Clothes'.

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It’s easy to raise a brow seeing Satya’s attempt to appropriate meditation and ‘Dhamma’, easy to feel amused by the strawman he creates in his stories, easy to get frustrated by the logical fallacies in his intellectual discourses, and easy to start questioning his motives behind the fabricated facts.

Yet, the truth remains that if one can turn one’s attention inward, retracting the sensory experience from external objects, sit with oneself and one’s thoughts and feelings for a length of time in an peaceful container supported by the energy of wonderful people, for a solid ten days, one is bound to move forward on one’s spiritual journey.

On this journey to see and accept our true Self as it is, with all its light and all its shadows.

Because as Satya admits, it's not the technique that works.

It's You.

And believe me, we are all good for Nothing. 😉

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Program — 10/10
Instructor (SN Goenka) — 8/10
Location (Kelseyville) — 10/10
People — 10/10
Overall — 10/10

(A version of this post is available on my Facebook page)

Lately, I have become very fond of people who have mastered the sacred mantra 'No'.

Bonus points if they can remain kind and compassionate while reciting, and receiving a no.

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So, how do I discern my noes?

Did I use it to set my boundaries?
Did I use it to honor another commitment?
Did I use it to protect mine or someone else's physical, emotional, or material well-being?

Or

Did I use it as a pause before saying yes because I am unsure how I feel about it?
Did I use it because what was asked, triggered an emotional response that made me terrified of a possible recurrence of a past trauma?

Or

Did I use it to control someone's behavior?
Did I use it to protest or punish a previous slight or neglect, instead of  having a dialog and negotiating for our needs?
Did I use it to derive a sense of pleasure by inflicting pain on others?

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As much understanding and effort it takes to practice saying the right noes, double of that is needed to receive it with grace.

Because hearing no is hard.
Because we are taught that no is cruel.
Because it triggers the primal rejection of our very existence.

The good news is that when I practice being mindful of my own expressions of no, it gets easier to accept someone else’s.

In my practice, when I hear the word, it always starts with a deep breath. Then comes accepting and honoring this 'no' – and this is the mandatory part.

Then begins the process of understanding.

9 out of 10 times, it isn’t about me.

That one other time, doesn’t make me less worthy!

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It's is said that the universe begun with the primordial sound of 'ॐ'.

Gratitude, begins with 'No'.

May we all meditate on 'No'.

{breath in}  Noooo....
{breath in}  Noooo....
{breath in}  Noooo....

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(A version of this post is available on my Facebook page)

“It doesn’t seem like you have any financial troubles at all !!!”

When I was young, visiting friends and family would often make similar remarks.

The food we ate, clothes we wore and the general manner in which we all lived, would not betray the fact that most of the time we were on a very tight cash flow.

Looking back, I think that Maa must have known some sort of magic.

It wasn’t that our material lifestyle was completely disconnected from our financial situation. Just that she — through her inimitable resourcefulness, grit, and unshakable will — would maintain a household where we never felt we lacked anything. Ever.

Deep within me, it instilled a belief that I will always have, or can create, anything I need.

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I have come to this realization that there are essentially two ways to live our lives.

1. In one way, one learns to believe that the gifts in our life — both the material ones, like food, shelter, money, etc; and the emotional ones, like love, affection, intimacy, etc — are 'scarce'.
   This is why we feel inadequate and insecure, choose one marshmallow now instead of two 15 minutes later, fall for dubious marketing schemes, or act to inflict avoidable pain on others.
2. In the other way, one grows to discover that everything that we would ever need in life, are already around us, in 'abundance'.
   This is the state, when attained, what Vedas call  'Satcitānand'.

I have also realized that most of the kids are born into the state of scarcity and that this growth to the state of abundance is not automatic. It happens through a series of countless, slow transformations that are influenced by many factors.

One of the primary factors that influences if and how much — as part of growing from a helpless child to an adult with agency — we advance from the state of scarcity to the state of abundance, is our family environment. Especially the quality and consistency of attention, care, and affection we receive from our parents. This is what modern Psychology calls building a secure base.

We also learn to act in either of these ways, modelling our parents' behaviors.

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“Your dad is like Shiva. He can be gratified so easily!”

If Maa could create abundance from nothing, it was Papa who showed us that you don’t really need a lot to experience abundance. A word of affirmation, a warm cup of tea, food shared with family, or a visit from a friend is all he needs to cheer up.

He showed us that the pursuit of happiness is not about seeking more for oneself, but to share whatever little (or more) we have with others. That this is the only true path to happiness.

Remembering this has helped me to retain a sense of positiveness in a number of trying situations.

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Over the past many months, I have had the privilege to meet many people from all around the world. People who are either already on this path or seeking it.

Each such interaction, however small or large, has reinforced this idea, provided new insights, and guided me further along this path. Today I am starting a new journey to go out and seek more such interactions, more such experiences.

This is my journey to express my gratitude for such people in my life. This is my journey towards abundance.

Through this page, I hope to take you along on my journey.

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Header image by Dr. Zsuzsanna Kovacs.

(A version of this post is available on my Facebook page)